One of my favorite TV shows, though it may be a guilty pleasure, is AWKWARD. And it's been in my head a lot lately, not only because the summer premier is coming up within like, the next week, but also because I've been experiencing the 'Jenna +' phenomenon. And it's ridiculously... shitty... feeling. Yeah.
Basically, there's this girl in my friend group or whatever who I admire, but who always seems to be a step ahead of me. She's more social than I am, has more friends than I do, is more confident (at least outwardly) than me, is just that much prettier than I am. She got into my top choice college, but I didn't. She has a boyfriend, and I don't.
Basically, I'm a little jealous, because that could be me in every way, but it's just not. And I know I should just be accepting of it, because I'm not her and she's not me. I'm an accepting person, I take things as they are and don't try to change them often. But really? This girl is so aggravating... and yet I can't help but want to be her friend.
I've found recently that I can be quite the jealous bitch. It's a saddening revelation, and I really don't like it. Maybe it's not so much jealousy, as much as it is accepting the circumstances, but still not being happy with them. I don't know. I'm not making much sense right now.
And on top of it, I don't think I can be. I think we simply just don't click as individuals; though that may just be my jealousy. Plus, I'm pretty sure her boyfriend pretty much just doesn't like me as a person. Which is dumb, in my opinion, because I haven't done anything to make him dislike me. Ugh. I don't know. I'm so ready to go to college.
CAWLEDGE, I NEED JU.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Pissing and Moaning, Ep. 2
Oh God, where do I even start?
So much has been going through my mind for the past couple of days, I wish I could just numb myself with happiness. Oofta, that sounded really melodramatic. See what I mean?!
I feel very unloved by my friends, and I don't know if it is me, or them, or a combination of both... But the part that weirded me out most about all of this, is when I finally talked to my mom about it, she said, "I think you'll just need to talk to them."
It's not that I have been avoiding that, it's that I haven't even thought about it. Which proves that it's probably me, and not them. Or they're reacting to me. Maybe I'm the one being distant and cold, not them. Or maybe they're being distant and cold, and I'm sitting in my kitchen writing this blog in the fetal position because I feel so alone. Ughhhhhh.
Guyssss, why don't you love me? Fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk.
Either I need to confront them, or I need to get my meds bumped up. But I'll probably have to do one before the other. Because God knows I'm handling this this way due to some imbalanced brain chemical thingers.
So much has been going through my mind for the past couple of days, I wish I could just numb myself with happiness. Oofta, that sounded really melodramatic. See what I mean?!
I feel very unloved by my friends, and I don't know if it is me, or them, or a combination of both... But the part that weirded me out most about all of this, is when I finally talked to my mom about it, she said, "I think you'll just need to talk to them."
It's not that I have been avoiding that, it's that I haven't even thought about it. Which proves that it's probably me, and not them. Or they're reacting to me. Maybe I'm the one being distant and cold, not them. Or maybe they're being distant and cold, and I'm sitting in my kitchen writing this blog in the fetal position because I feel so alone. Ughhhhhh.
Guyssss, why don't you love me? Fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk.
Either I need to confront them, or I need to get my meds bumped up. But I'll probably have to do one before the other. Because God knows I'm handling this this way due to some imbalanced brain chemical thingers.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Another Letter To Another Boy.
Dear Mr. O'Biewankanobie,
(See what I did there?)
For some reason or another, whenever I am in your presence I feel beautiful. It's a very strange phenomenon, as I do not have feelings for you; I hardly know you at all. But maybe that's why you're such a player (or at least, so I've heard, I can't judge you based on rumors). I don't know if it is coincidence, intentional, by accident, or if I'm the only one who has felt this odd sensation of random esteem, though I suspect I'm not. Either way, thanks for that. It's nice.
It makes me want to get to know you. You are a puzzle that I'm trying desperately (well, not desperately, that's a bit dramamtic) to put together. Ugh. I wish you'd be my friend. Which, I could totally pursue that, but it feels weird to think about that kinda thing right now. Because you know. I'd rather not make friends before I move off to college, though I should never want to not make friends. Ya know? 'Kay cool.
Your dearest, loveliest admirer,
Paige.
(See what I did there?)
For some reason or another, whenever I am in your presence I feel beautiful. It's a very strange phenomenon, as I do not have feelings for you; I hardly know you at all. But maybe that's why you're such a player (or at least, so I've heard, I can't judge you based on rumors). I don't know if it is coincidence, intentional, by accident, or if I'm the only one who has felt this odd sensation of random esteem, though I suspect I'm not. Either way, thanks for that. It's nice.
It makes me want to get to know you. You are a puzzle that I'm trying desperately (well, not desperately, that's a bit dramamtic) to put together. Ugh. I wish you'd be my friend. Which, I could totally pursue that, but it feels weird to think about that kinda thing right now. Because you know. I'd rather not make friends before I move off to college, though I should never want to not make friends. Ya know? 'Kay cool.
Your dearest, loveliest admirer,
Paige.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Weird Days Lie Ahead.
Today is a weird day. It's not particularly good or particularly bad, but, just... weird.
For instance, I played the third movement of Tchaikovsky all the way through, which I have to play for my senior recital in about a month. It was not very good, which makes me nervous. But playing it back, I have a really great sound quality and musicality... so it doesn't sound as terrible as I thought it did. Because my musicality made up for a lot of it. hahahahahahahahahafdslololololololol.
so. That's weird. I don't know how to feel about it. I wasn't tired at the end, which is awesome. But I'm nervous, because I want my senior recital to be like, "OH MY GOD SHE IS MARVELOUS!" rather than "OH MY GOD SHE HAS GREAT SOUND but she should really work more on her technique, I wonder how often she practices. hhhmmmmmm."
I also have a feeling this summer is going to fly by. Every weekend I have either a grad party, or I'll be out of the country, and in between, I'll be babysitting and partying, both full time. Not much sleep is scheduled for my summer. Oh, right, and I plan on practicing like, five hours a dayish. Maybe only three. Three will suffice. I've been doing 2-3 all school year. Three will suffice.
Then again, maybe it'll go really slowly and achingly. Because babysitting, though awesomely rewarding and fun most of the time, can be agonizingly tiring and annoying as shit.
I need money. Bad. BAAAAAAAAAAAD. I need new strings before college (which I've decided I'm going to get Dominants, not Evah Pirazzi's so that they a. last longer and b. cost less), probably a bow rehair, hopefully a head rehair (see what I did there?), and you know. Denmark/Germany money.
I can't wait. This damn well be the best summer ever, or else it's just going to be a lot of,
"I hope I'm not broke, I hope I'm not broke, I hope I'm not broooooooke!"
For instance, I played the third movement of Tchaikovsky all the way through, which I have to play for my senior recital in about a month. It was not very good, which makes me nervous. But playing it back, I have a really great sound quality and musicality... so it doesn't sound as terrible as I thought it did. Because my musicality made up for a lot of it. hahahahahahahahahafdslololololololol.
so. That's weird. I don't know how to feel about it. I wasn't tired at the end, which is awesome. But I'm nervous, because I want my senior recital to be like, "OH MY GOD SHE IS MARVELOUS!" rather than "OH MY GOD SHE HAS GREAT SOUND but she should really work more on her technique, I wonder how often she practices. hhhmmmmmm."
I also have a feeling this summer is going to fly by. Every weekend I have either a grad party, or I'll be out of the country, and in between, I'll be babysitting and partying, both full time. Not much sleep is scheduled for my summer. Oh, right, and I plan on practicing like, five hours a dayish. Maybe only three. Three will suffice. I've been doing 2-3 all school year. Three will suffice.
Then again, maybe it'll go really slowly and achingly. Because babysitting, though awesomely rewarding and fun most of the time, can be agonizingly tiring and annoying as shit.
I need money. Bad. BAAAAAAAAAAAD. I need new strings before college (which I've decided I'm going to get Dominants, not Evah Pirazzi's so that they a. last longer and b. cost less), probably a bow rehair, hopefully a head rehair (see what I did there?), and you know. Denmark/Germany money.
I can't wait. This damn well be the best summer ever, or else it's just going to be a lot of,
"I hope I'm not broke, I hope I'm not broke, I hope I'm not broooooooke!"
Monday, June 4, 2012
O Mio Babbino Caro
I think instead of making my kids Disney Princess Junkies, I'll make them opera junkies. Though the stories are often brutal, I can save the details of the stories behind the music for later. I'll get them dolls of Madame Butterfly, Cunegonde, and Tosca rather than Belle, Cinderella and Snow White. Though, Jasmine was quite the feminist. So that's cool, maybe I'll include her.
I have a lot going on in my head lately, most of it being negative and saddish, which isn't totally what I want, but sometimes you have to deal, right? Right. So.
For instance (and be warned, this is per-so-nal shit right here), my dad was in jail for a few days, so I didn't think he would be able to come to my graduation ceremony. And I was relieved, because then the horrible decision making process of 'do I invite a man who has been absent from my life to my graduation or not?' was automatically made. So I gave his ticket away. And then he got out of jail, and my grandmother was asking me for another ticket, and I had to tell her he couldn't go because I couldn't buy more tickets at this point, and blah blah blah... and again, I'm relieved, because I didn't want him to go. Honestly, I didn't; I don't think he has the right to go to every positive event in my life, but not be there for the negative or any of the fluff in between due to his drug and alcohol addiction. But then again, God knew I would've caved in to my grandma, so he didn't really give me much of an option. Or at least, he facilitated my decision making process.
I really needed to get that out. I tried telling my friends, and my family doesn't quite get it because you know, they're all dealing with the same thing and they think I have a wall around me that allows me to make decisions without my right brain getting the best of me. But it just doesn't feel legitimate. It's not like they don't care. It's just like... it isn't natural telling them or confiding that kind of thing to them. I'd rather write.
I have a lot going on in my head lately, most of it being negative and saddish, which isn't totally what I want, but sometimes you have to deal, right? Right. So.
For instance (and be warned, this is per-so-nal shit right here), my dad was in jail for a few days, so I didn't think he would be able to come to my graduation ceremony. And I was relieved, because then the horrible decision making process of 'do I invite a man who has been absent from my life to my graduation or not?' was automatically made. So I gave his ticket away. And then he got out of jail, and my grandmother was asking me for another ticket, and I had to tell her he couldn't go because I couldn't buy more tickets at this point, and blah blah blah... and again, I'm relieved, because I didn't want him to go. Honestly, I didn't; I don't think he has the right to go to every positive event in my life, but not be there for the negative or any of the fluff in between due to his drug and alcohol addiction. But then again, God knew I would've caved in to my grandma, so he didn't really give me much of an option. Or at least, he facilitated my decision making process.
I really needed to get that out. I tried telling my friends, and my family doesn't quite get it because you know, they're all dealing with the same thing and they think I have a wall around me that allows me to make decisions without my right brain getting the best of me. But it just doesn't feel legitimate. It's not like they don't care. It's just like... it isn't natural telling them or confiding that kind of thing to them. I'd rather write.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Pissing and Moaning, Ep. 1
EVERYTHING IS GETTING TO ME LATELY.
It's saddening and annoying and aggravating and I have quite the headache now.
What am I supposed to do? I'm trying desperately to look at the world through rose colored glasses. But my glasses are just prescribed as -7.5 in each eye. And I don't have contacts to wear anything else as of now. Because I'm broke.
You know how they say you should vent to a friend, but no longer that fifteen minutes? I think that's my problem. I vent on and off all day. And a lot of what I'm complaining about, I don't even quite know how it bothers me.
But the worst part (or maybe the best part, I don't know) about all of this is the fact that I feel desperately like telling my 'best friends' how it fucking is. I already wrote one girl a really mean letter, but I didn't send it to her because it wasn't worth it, she's out of my life now and that's all that I needed; just to get the fuck away from that poisoned relationship.
But let me just make a quick list. For every bad thing I list, I have to list a good thing. That's legitimate, right?
1. My teacher Mrs. Cox? Is a total bitch, and I'm fucking sick of her. In the halls on Fridays, we normally have music in the hallways via the loud speaker, but as a senior 'prank' we played live music and carted around an organ. AND SHE YELLED AT US! After we got permission from the principal. UGHHGHGHGHGHHHHH.
1*. I recently wrote a pretty awesome essay on the psychological development of Harry Potter.
2. I live in Wisconsin, and the only person who actually drove speed limit today was a FIB. I almost died.
2*. It is a beautiful dayyyyyy!
3. Jade and I went to go take photos at a boat landing, and some douche bag yelled at us for parking in a parking spot. IT'S A FUCKING PARKING SPOT, GET THE HELL OVER IT! He wasn't even parked there, he had a better spot open for him.
3*. Jade and I got to see some of our elementary school friends we haven't seen in years, and it made her really happy, and I was incredibly glad to see her smile for the first time in a few days.
4. I have a constant anxious feeling in my gut lately, and I have to do a lot of laundry, put oil in my car, and I think probably just get the hell out of town for a day. Or something.
4*. I have moles on my belly that make my belly look sexay.
5. I'm super scared to even put on a swimsuit in public, because I think I look gross. Adding onto the gross factor, I have to wear my glasses lately, and I'm breaking out.
5*. I got to hang out with Autumn last night, and we watched Amelie! And I really enjoyed it :D
6. I am interested or at least physically attracted to several boys, all of which are completely unattainable. Mostly because a) I don't actually know them (long story for another blog) or b) because the 'time' isn't right. Because the time is never right. because I'm a coward.
6*. I have a wonderful immediate family who loves me.
7. My dad isn't coming to my graduation ceremony. I don't want him to, and I gave his ticket away, but I have a feeling my grandmother will give him hers anyway. I just don't want to deal with any of that.
7*. I have gotten sufficient sleep this weekend, to the point where I woke up at 9:20 am this morning, all by myself. :3
8. I think I have paranoid schizophrenia. I fell asleep on the couch the other night with a knife on the coffee table next to me because I thought there was somebody in my basement. Or else, I'm just fucking bat shit crazy, or manic depressive with a hint of PMD, or something.
8*. I've got nothin'.
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad dayyyyysssssss.
It's saddening and annoying and aggravating and I have quite the headache now.
What am I supposed to do? I'm trying desperately to look at the world through rose colored glasses. But my glasses are just prescribed as -7.5 in each eye. And I don't have contacts to wear anything else as of now. Because I'm broke.
You know how they say you should vent to a friend, but no longer that fifteen minutes? I think that's my problem. I vent on and off all day. And a lot of what I'm complaining about, I don't even quite know how it bothers me.
But the worst part (or maybe the best part, I don't know) about all of this is the fact that I feel desperately like telling my 'best friends' how it fucking is. I already wrote one girl a really mean letter, but I didn't send it to her because it wasn't worth it, she's out of my life now and that's all that I needed; just to get the fuck away from that poisoned relationship.
But let me just make a quick list. For every bad thing I list, I have to list a good thing. That's legitimate, right?
1. My teacher Mrs. Cox? Is a total bitch, and I'm fucking sick of her. In the halls on Fridays, we normally have music in the hallways via the loud speaker, but as a senior 'prank' we played live music and carted around an organ. AND SHE YELLED AT US! After we got permission from the principal. UGHHGHGHGHGHHHHH.
1*. I recently wrote a pretty awesome essay on the psychological development of Harry Potter.
2. I live in Wisconsin, and the only person who actually drove speed limit today was a FIB. I almost died.
2*. It is a beautiful dayyyyyy!
3. Jade and I went to go take photos at a boat landing, and some douche bag yelled at us for parking in a parking spot. IT'S A FUCKING PARKING SPOT, GET THE HELL OVER IT! He wasn't even parked there, he had a better spot open for him.
3*. Jade and I got to see some of our elementary school friends we haven't seen in years, and it made her really happy, and I was incredibly glad to see her smile for the first time in a few days.
4. I have a constant anxious feeling in my gut lately, and I have to do a lot of laundry, put oil in my car, and I think probably just get the hell out of town for a day. Or something.
4*. I have moles on my belly that make my belly look sexay.
5. I'm super scared to even put on a swimsuit in public, because I think I look gross. Adding onto the gross factor, I have to wear my glasses lately, and I'm breaking out.
5*. I got to hang out with Autumn last night, and we watched Amelie! And I really enjoyed it :D
6. I am interested or at least physically attracted to several boys, all of which are completely unattainable. Mostly because a) I don't actually know them (long story for another blog) or b) because the 'time' isn't right. Because the time is never right. because I'm a coward.
6*. I have a wonderful immediate family who loves me.
7. My dad isn't coming to my graduation ceremony. I don't want him to, and I gave his ticket away, but I have a feeling my grandmother will give him hers anyway. I just don't want to deal with any of that.
7*. I have gotten sufficient sleep this weekend, to the point where I woke up at 9:20 am this morning, all by myself. :3
8. I think I have paranoid schizophrenia. I fell asleep on the couch the other night with a knife on the coffee table next to me because I thought there was somebody in my basement. Or else, I'm just fucking bat shit crazy, or manic depressive with a hint of PMD, or something.
8*. I've got nothin'.
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad dayyyyysssssss.
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