to walk in a very flirtatious, promiscuous or seductive way: She slanked across the room toward him.
2.
towalk with physical emphasis on the feminine figure: She walked slankily, her hips swaying to the beat of an inner tango.
Best verb ever, yeah? I want to learn to slank. I want to be a slanky individual.
I could right a romance novel. Which is funny, because my name sounds much more like a romance novelist's name that a violinist's name (I've discussed this with my friends in the past, hehe).
Sometimes I like to think I'm Carrie Bradshaw, and can write openly about every single thing that comes to mind. Yesterday, I contemplated posting a blog on my romantic daydreams, and I also just thought about posting on something that would probably get me in a lot of social trouble (think 'I'm so disgusted with her!' shit). Truth is, this isn't a journal, it's a blog. And, unlike Carrie Bradshaw, fictional goddess of literature, I'm not paid to talk about super personal shit. So I should probably keep my mouth shut.
Honestly, I feel like 'truth' is the easiest way to get well known- to make your art about honesty, especially a most blunt version, will make you more 'famous' than anything else will. It also, unfortunately, will piss a lot of people off. So... how to be honest without being a garish joke or an annoying pseudointellectual?
Ha! Impossible. I guess that's why life depresses me sometimes. Because after everything is taken into consideration, life may be a beautiful, amazing, miraculous... thing. But it's still a mystery. It's still a paradox. It's still going to have ups and downs, and the downs are always going to throw me a little off kilter.
It sucks when your heart is in two different places, and your head can't make sense of it. I have a very bad case of Split Passion Syndrome right now. Yes, I just made that name up, I probably wouldn't quote it if I were you. You might sound very uneducated.
Today, my mother came up to me and asked me if I was positive I want to go into music as a career, and if I really want to go to school for it. This wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't already been doubting myself lately on that very subject. Am I really cut out for music? Is the fact that I'm second guessing myself proof enough that I'm not meant to be a violinist??
I've always had very different passions in my life- I was always the little science girl in grade school, varying from meteorology to nanotechnology- but I also wanted to be a journalist for a long time, a fashion designer for a long time, an ice skater, and even a ballerina (those two last ones were when I was four and five, though). My mom brought up the point today that though I've always been good at music, I haven't had that strong a passion all the way through my 'career.'
But then again, maybe that's why I'm still with it- I am passionate about it, I love it, but because it hasn't come out all within a few years, it's the kind of passion that will never die. It's the kind of passion that will never simply go away, like drawing did, or like meteorology did. Honestly, I can't picture myself being anything but a violinist (well, or a history teacher, but I'd be so super awkward). Music is a huge part of my life. How could I just grow up and... play violin recreationally?! Nonsense.
Maybe that's proof of my ability to be a violinist. Maybe I'll get to college and decide it's not worth it, and I'll want to be a psychologist or a history teacher or... a skydiver. I don't know. Probably not the latter. I have a huge fear of falling.
So, My sister and I are currently watching West Side Story, and we're trying to think of who would be in the new cast if there was a remake (which would obviously not be as good, but hey).
CAST
Tony - David Henrie | Maria - Ariana Grande
Bernardo - Ricky Ulman | Anita - Lyndsy Fonseca
Riff - Lucas Grabeel| Chino - Connor Paolo
Needless to say, Jade balled her eyes out at West Side Story. But I did too, when I first watched it. And I didn't watch it very thoroughly this time round, so. I probably would have too.
Lately, I've been observing the idea of nonsexual attraction- people wanting to be friends with other people. People adoring other people.
I get disgusted by it! Though I shouldn't, because that sort of human emotion is totally natural. People like other people. It's engrained in our species- we're socialites of the animal kingdom! But it still irks me.
For instance, I really want to be friends with a girl at my school who is close to one of my best friends. The three of us went shopping recently, and though I was sick, being myself was exhausting. It makes me wonder if being myself- if being a sociable young lady- is worth it at all. But I know for sure it is, and I still want to be friends with the girl.
Example 2- NOTE:I don't know how describe the kid anymore, I don't feel like either of us deserve to call the other 'ex' but it doesn't feel like I can just call him my 'friend' anymore, because of what did happen. Peter. I want to be his friend again. We used to text each other every so often, and hang out and be open with each other about everything going on. And it wasn't a best friend relationship, but it was an honest one, and I treasured it. Also, there's this kid in my AP Psych class Pete always jokes around with. I can't tell if this kid's a total douche bag, they're both total douche bags (and I never realized it before), or I think they're both hilarious. But my gut keeps telling me that they're both douche bags, and I really ought to just forget about it and not let it bother me that they're friends.
But of course, there's jealousy there, because I haven't talked to Peter since we 'broke up.' Which is dumb. Because I really ought to just text him and be like, "Hey, how's Pete?"
Whenever I'm in a particularly poignant mood, this is my go to piece/movie.
Adrien Brody + Chopin = Love.
It's official. My coworker legitimately thinks I'm nuts. Well. Maybe not. But I'm dead positive that he can read my mind.
Or I'm just really bad at trying to keep my emotions from showing on my face. I also dance a lot when I'm happy. Even when I'm doing the dishes.
Anyway.
Today in AP Bio, we learned about chromosome transference in meiosis, and how there can be those crazy plants with the extra set of chromosomes, and there was a rat that was a triploid and all that jazz. And I figured it would be the best basis in the world to start a sci fi novel on. But. Unfortunately, I've run into these speed bumps:
1. In a time when every child is genetically altered in test tubes, something goes terribly wrong, but the parents keep the child anyway because they love it that much. They have another child in hopes of fixing the first... Oh my God, My Sister's Keeper.
2. In a time when every child is genetically altered in test tubes, a family has a love child, and he is viewed as a threat to himself and others around him, so doctors interfere- Oh my God, Gattaca.
3. A mother gives birth to a polyploid baby, and the baby grows up fine, surprisingly. One day, it morphs into something else... Oh my God, Shaun of the Dead, and pretty much every other zombie movie/literature out there.
4. A mother gives birth to a polyploid baby, and though it has a distinct human shape, there are mutations that the baby has that lead to it's being given up for adoption. The baby grows up and meets others of his kind, and they decide to fight evil. OH MY GOD, X-MEN.
See, if these were all original, I'd be a millionairess. I'd be hot shit.
I've often been thinking lately about how slowly this year is going, but how fast it's going at the same time. Basically, this year has felt like three years combined into one- and it's not even second semester yet.
Do you know how many changed relationship statuses there have been so far this year? A LOT.
Do you know how many life altering events I've had so far this year? A LOT
Do you know how much I've matured since September?
A lot a lot.
I don't know if I've truly been 'living my life to the fullest' lately, or I'm just enjoying life a little more. Or if they're the same thing? And the weirdest thing of all is that this year is going to be over and done with and I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to be a college girl! I'm going to be a real violinist! This year seems so frivolous.
And I've read articles about the government being like, "oh, there needs to be a fifth year of high school!" You know how dumb that would be? Unless it was added to the tail end of it. But high school freshmen are awful enough to deal with. Eighth graders would just be... hell.
Anyway.
It's scary. And my heart is pounding now. And. Um. Vampire Weekend.
As I was thinking about a guy I may have feelings for today, I reminisced about all of the crushes I've had in the past. I decided, for some reason, that there are some scary similarities between the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief.
Kubler/Ross's stages:
1. Denial
Ex. "No, she can't be dead... She can't be dead."
2. Anger
Ex. "Who is to blame for this? Why ME? It's not fair."
3. Bargaining
Ex. "I'll do anything for this to be reversed."
4. Depression
Ex. "There's no point in anything anymore."
5. Acceptance
Ex. "It's okay. I'll be okay. Life will go on."
Kubler/Ross altered by Paige...
1. Denial
Ex. "Nooooo. I don't really like him."
2. Anger
Ex. "No, seriously. I can't like him. I'm being so stupid."
3. Bargaining
Ex. "Oh my God. I like him so much. I'll do anything to be with that kidddddd."
4. Depression
Ex. "He'll never like me. There's no point in anything anymore."
5. Acceptance
Ex. "Well, you know. If he decides to like me back, that's cool. If not, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, as they say."
I feel like I've made the psychological discovery of the century. Probably not. But it's pretty crazy.
I'm in such an AP Psych kind of mood. But I have to do AP Bio. :/ Well. Alright then.
It's always so funny to how much a human contradicts him/herself in a day. Here, we see a prime example- a dialogue between two characters in one head- Neurotic Pessimistic Paige, and Happy-Go-Lightly Optimistic Paige.
NPP (heretofore known as Neurotic Pessimistic Paige) : My life sucks. I should just stay home for the rest of my high school career. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a professional violinist. No one will ever love me, because of repeated rejections in the past, which proves I am ugly and intolerable. My voice is too high, But I shouldn't even think of altering it to make it sound low and sarcastic, because then I sound dumb too. Waaaahhhhhhh.
HOP (heretofore known as Happy-Go-Lightly Optimistic Paige): Your life doesn't suck! You love school, and love the challenge it brings you, because you know it will make you a better person in the end. You are indeed cut out to be a classical violinist, you are full of passion and music and ideas, and even if you end up not being concertmistress for the Chicago Symphony, you can do whatever you want in life! There will be plenty of men who love you romantically, and there will be others who find you attractive but don't like you that way. That's okay, that's how you weed out the guys you don't want to have babies with. Your voice is very pretty, and you should sing more often.
NPP: I'm a sociopath. I probably have tendonitis, too. That, and schizophrenia, manic depression, bipolar disorder, ingrown hairs, mild acne that will never go away, a lack of niacin and riboflavin, and too many carbs in my system. My body is nice, but not good enough or tall enough or boobalicious enough to be a Victoria's Secret Model (or any kind of model, for that matter). I have no sense of fashion, will be sleep deprived for the rest of my life, and lose my creativity by the time I am 27.
HOP: You are not a sociopath, you may have tendonitis and depression, but you don't have schizophrenia, manic depression, bipolar disorder, or ingrown hairs. You can take vitamins to make up for your poorish eating habits. Your body is awesome, and you have every right to love yourself just as much as the next girl. Forget about boobs, you don't need them, you have a nice ass. Of course you have a sense of fashion! And of course you will catch up on sleep! And your creativity is embedded and woven within you- you're not going to lose it. Ever.
Maybe this will make other girls laugh, maybe this will make other girls cry, maybe this will make other girls be like, "hey, that's kinda sorta like me." But I don't give a shit. I'm gonna do AP Psych and listen to Guster.
I used to fancy myself quite the amateur songstress. Today, my sister showed friend of ours an old youtube video of a song I wrote. Needless to say, my voice wasn't soundin' so awesome. It still doesn't sound super awesome, but that's mostly because I don't practice singing a lot any more, and I don't write any music like that.
I really love performing though. I really, really do. And considering how much Saint Saens and Bach and Dont are pissing me off lately, maybe I should try that out again. The only problem that I can think of is that my poetry and chords wouldn't super easily mesh into a song. So. I'll probably try it out. I have fourth, sixth and eighth hours off, so why not? Maybe I can perform at Harmony Cafe again.
Basically, I want to be Regina Spektor crossed with Sarah Chang.
Today has been odd. I feel overly excitable.
But then again, maybe there's just a lot to be excited about?
We're finally studying dream psychology in AP Psych, which I've been nuts about since I was in like, seventh grade. In orchestra, we played with the band, making us a school symphony (!). We're the American debut of a really cool piece including all three sections of the school's music department. Pretty pretty sweet.
Anyway.
So there's that.
And then there is the fact that I'm feeling pretty anxious. For some reason, every semi-attractive guy I see (who I know has an attractive personality, but I don't necessarily like) I picture in this daydream. I simply wake up with them, next to them, the sunlight of an early-ish morning pouring in the room, and they smile at me. And it makes my heart just flutter and I feel so good insideeeee.
I just want to be in love! I don't necessarily want a boyfriend. I want a freaking husband. A life partner. Which, let's face it, is a long way off. But at least it's clear to me now what I want. I'm ready to wake up next to somebody. I'm ready to go attend their performances or whatever it is they do in support. I'm ready to look out into the audience at a symphony performance and smile at that guy.
I am bored, and feel like expressing myself. Yay. Um.
So I decided to go on modcloth.com
Which is a great site, but I rarely buy from it because I'm kinda poorish. And pick a day for each day o' the week.
Monday Paige
Red tinted lip balm,
Black flats,
Lots o' mascara.
Think Allison Harvard.
Tuesday Paige
Rosy Rosy Cheeks,
A top bun and a chunky necklace.
Wednesday Paige
I just won't wear shoes today.
I'll keep it totally natural, like
A goddess who decided it was best
To chill on Earth today.
Thursday Paige
Red lips, black patent peep toes.
Friday Paige
With a pair of teal pumps.
Yessssss.
Saturday Paige
Dark green Headband and a messy bun.
And black flats.
Sunday Paige
The perfect dress for Youth Symphony. <3
Bronzygold heels, loose ponytail.
Now you can see how bored I am.
I should really focus more on violin. ugh.
But I haven't indulged in fashion in a while. So.
From this point on, violin only. At least until next Wednesday, when competition #2 is over.
Your head spins faster than you can run, and so you fall down.
Hands shaking, you wipe the eyes that never stop leaking
The desert sun, after all, only dries the dirt cracked beneath your feet.
Those true friends of yours?
They died,
And they flew,
And they are renewed!
And you are stuck here,
On a planet where apocalypse hit, and left without empathy.
Where the wind ties you up like ribbons of sin.
------
Yeah, I'm not done with that poem yet, most likely. But I had to get something out on paper. I've been self pitying longer than I expected I would be, and imagery at least takes my mind off of it. I really should be doing homework right now.
Let's just count that as a break.
So today, with the help of some incredibly wonderful friends and their support (and yes, I'm counting my mother and sister as friends, not family in this case) I got over the misadventures of yesterday. I'm a lot better now. A lot a lot. About everything, not just the competition, not just the whole break up spiel, but everything as a whole. Yeah.
And then I read all of book two of Pride and Prejudice. Which is such a guilty pleasure. I don't care if it is considered great literature- some of what is in that book is just pure girly bullshit. And I looooove it. So I took a test to see which Bennet sister I am, and got Jane. Which is cool, because I've always really liked Bingley's character. hehe.
It's amazing what a twenty ounce cup of chai coffee and writing the theme of a violin sonata can do to my mood. Just saying.
You know it's bad news bears when you feel worse about losing a competition than a break up with your boyfriend.
I'm so disgusted with myself right now. I really don't like it. But then again, I'm long over due for a cry.
Ughhhhhh. It just makes me feel like a bad person, because I went ahead and dated my best friend's ex, and even though we both knew it wasn't going anywhere, I decided to be with him anyway.
For a month. A lousy month. It's pathetic. And I betrayed her. And I feel so awful. And. You don't really need to read this, because I'm just pitying myself. But I need to. Everybody deserves to self pity every once in a while.
And I didn't even get into the semi finals of the competition :(
I worked so hard.
I put forth so much effort.
And I just wasn't good enough.
Somebody dig me out of my rut, hold me and tell me I'm worth the world, please. And don't mock me for being a romantic.
And finally, my journey of performing Saint Saens is at the beginning of the end.
Tomorrow is the competition, and I'm so nervous. I played with my pianist today.
I just have to remember to tell myself it's going to be okay, no matter what the outcome. Although I'd really prefer a thousand dollars or two in my pocket. That'd be nice.
I don't know.
There's not a lot to be said for the events that occured today. I played for the wind ensemble at my school, and the band director, who I greatly admire, said I did a wonderful job. He told me some things I can improve on, and hopefully they can come through at least mildly tomorrow.
WAH I'm nervous. And pumped.
I'm feeling rather nostalgic today. Like nineties nostalgic. Like der Nordsee nostalgic. Like Jane Eyre nostalgic. Like 'I can't wait to fall madly in love, but I'll be patient' nostalgic.
I have all these thoughts to write out, and yet I can't seem to express them.
It's really weird. Normally I'm able to just write, but tonight, I think I just need a good night's sleep.
