Today Is Not Mai Dae.

Lately I have been feeling like a cocoon. What kind of cocoon you ask?
One where all the muscles inside of me are constricting the gross black sludge of pessimism, trying desperately not to let it leak out onto my porcelain skin or the rest of the beautiful world.

I just want to shoot something. Ughhhhh.
It kind of seems like everything is going wrong right now. My grades are bad, and they won't go back up, I was diagnosed with amenorrhoea (two years. two. years.), along with an eating disorder, I'm playing rather badly lately (as I haven't taken lessons since December), and of course that whole 'trying not to fall head over heels for a guy that should really just be considered my friend' thing.

My brain. is choking. and I. am losing. my. mind.
I need to stop being a teenager, and stop feeling like every little thing is going to make the world end.
So. I guess I'll just take everything out on doing homework. and practicing, and auditioning some more. WFEHWIONDSVIUDLSJSDIOWPGFRBUICNJK. Help?

Deja Vu

I feel it happening alllll over again. And it is so bad. Because I'm trying to reason my way out of feeling for that one guy that I shouldn't like, and I can't.
And so.
I know that the thing that happened when I was a freshman with Spencer?
Yeah, it's happening again. Which is.

SOO BAD.

All of the symptoms are there- you got:
    a. the original attraction
    b. the only seeing him off and on, not constantly (not even speaking with him everyday)
    c. not being particularly close, but at the same time, feeling super close to him
    d. the awkward jokes he makes that involve physical touch and stuff, that make you sparkly eyed even though you know it is soooo wrong to feel that way
    e. finding him incredibly annoying other times
    f. him putting you in a good mood for the rest of forever (well, maybe the rest of the day)
    g. me sitting at home and not getting much other social interaction, so I trick myself into thinking he's the shit.

But. but.
I think I genuinely like him.
It's just that when you start using the L word to describe all of the bullet points above, things get out of control. My head begins to spin, I overanalyze, then I get frustrated because I don't want to use that word, then I say "screw it!" and tell myself that I love him for sure...
And then I believe it. And then it escalates, and then. I tell. everybody.
But him.
Because he's forbidden. Why do I always fall for the forbidden guy? WTF.?!
I can't even write poetry about stuff when my head is like this. Oh shno.

MORE CHOCOLATE. MORE.

It's strange- I'm not focusing a lot on love or my lack of it today. Even though it's Valentine's Day.

I'm actually focusing a lot on my health.
A while back, I had a post where I proclaimed my love for myself- I suppose I've lost that love, or it has at least deteriorated past the honeymoon stage. My sister did a photo shoot recently of dancers, and I decided to get in on it. But when I saw the pictures, I looked like a skeleton. My self esteem basically went into the floor because of it.
And on top of that, in Sociology and in AP Psychology, we've been doing a unit on eating disorders. Of course, while giving the profile of an anorexic, it sounded like they were telling the class my life story. And because I'm such a hypochondriac, it's really getting to my head. I know I'm not anorexic, and it's not that I'm in denial either. I just have issues with prioritizing. I forget that food is... actually really important. ^^;

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, and it'll all be okay. I'll gain weight. I'll hopefully start looking decent. I will end up weighing over 100 pounds. But what really gets me is the fact that when I look in the mirror, I don't see how skinny I really am. All I see is that I'm not toned. Which bothers me. Because that proves how distorted my body image really is.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. DX
Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty.

Today, I had a magical moment. But I'll start from the beginning.

I went to dinner with my mother and her friend, Lynn. We got some Mexican food and followed it up with fried ice cream, but unfortunately, my mood was ruined when Lynn started talking down to me and treating me like I was a 'typical stupid teenager.' But whatever! I wasn't going to let it bring me down.

We then went to see 'The Vow.' We got the last tickets (whoop!) and had to sit separately. In the theater lobby before hand, I saw tons of girls I know through school or youth symphony, and none of them said "hi!" or even waved at me. But whatever! I wasn't going to let it bring me down.

The movie made me really angry. I'm not going to give any spoilers, but even though it made my mother cry like a baby, it got my heart pounding to the point where I thought I might've punched the person next to me. Actually, I sat next to a group of girls from North High School, one of which knew me, but didn't acknowledge my existence or familiarity, though all of her friends (who I didn't know!) did. But whatever! I wasn't going to let it bring me down. I think you're getting the picture, yeah?

I have a bunch of heaped up negativity ready, and I'm ready to explode right now. Even my sister started yelling at me for no reason, calling me a stupid bitch, etc., etc.

But after the movie (and don't get me wrong, it could totally be just the film's romantic influence on my psyche) while I was walking around the lobby with my mother, Lynn gone, and us waiting for Jade to get out of 'the Woman in Black,' I made eye contact with a handsome guy I've noticed around school. And it was one of those magical moments. I honestly don't think it meant anything in his head, I wouldn't know anyway; but it made me feel so incredibly beautiful.

I guess that's what it's all about, yeah?

Maybe I Won't Die Alone?

I've been really annoyed with myself lately due to how much I either want or do complain about guys, and not having a relationship. In fact, I was really debating whether or not I wanted to write this, because the thought of how desperate I sound is so aggravating.
But you know what? I'm only desperate if I complain without doing anything about it. If I open myself up- if I let myself be vulnerable, there's a lot lower chance that I'm going to be a bitter, desperate little girl, and a lot higher chance that I'll be the mutually loved woman I want to be.

But then another problem comes into play. I'm really bad at flirting. Like, I'm good at laughing at jokes (even the lame ones; I think they're hysterical) but other than that, I have no sense of what is... flirtatious. Maybe I've just never met someone that I can openly flirt with, or maybe I focus too much on being friends first.

A lot of the time, though, I feel like I'd rather make someone happy by letting them be with other girls and do what they want, than by actually being with them to make them happy.
I should probably fix that.

Tee-El-Cee.

I believe that every girl on the planet has an innate need to baby something. I used to get super annoyed with myself whenever I baby talked my cat. Now, I'm like, "fuck it!" I speak a good octave higher each time I see my little Dover-over-o.

Anyway. It makes sense. Women are designed to be mothers, really. That's the only 'job' science and God really intended for us. We just want to eat, sleep, and reproduce. So... if you don't have a child, you have to take that need out on something or someone else. Yeah?

Not to brag or anything, but I'm going to be an awesome mother. I'm going to be so incredibly great at being a mother. Oh my God. You have no idea. Like. Really. I will push my babies in strollers all around the fucking park. I will spin the fucking merry-go-round on the playground until they think their heads are going to melt from the centripetal force exerted on their tiny frames. I will tease them and love them and cherish them. And. I will raise them to like broccoli. And cauliflower. And... um. pasta. A lot of pasta.

I need an outlet for TLC! I need to love someone. :o

Elephants.

I don't mean to be redundant, but there are reoccurring themes in my life that just keep coming up. Like, "Dear God, I am confident, I work hard, and I'm a romantic... so why don't I have a boyfriend? Um. Or at least a prom date?"

Well. I don't really know. But today, my mother and sister found a note thing my councilor told me to fill out saying who I like. Even though I really really ought to not like him. And avoiding him has been doing a pretty good job at stopping liking him. But now that they found that note? It kind of reinforced the feelings I've been trying to get rid of. Like in Inception- "Don't think of an elephant."

All I'm thinking about is the elephant, now. Shit damn.

Nothing like Hans Zimmer to make your life seem UBER melodramatic. XD

Social Darwinism Makes Me Feel Lucky.

Today I decided that I'm going to write a movie script. I have completed one in the past, and I keep thinking about a single scene that I wrote last year. It was really good. So hey. I'm going to finish it.
Any way, the plot is mostly character driven: After a girl's mother dies of cancer, she tries to commit suicide. Her father is a psychologist at a university hospital, where he is doing indepth research on...
And then I kind of don't know. What is he studying?

Well, I tried to get him to be like an Emile Durkheim, studying suicide. But I think that would be too obvious of a choice. Anyway, I was doing some research on Durkheim, and I thought about all that social darwinism shit. I realized- I probably shouldn't be here.

If medicine weren't available to me, I wouldn't be the strong person I am. I would be weak- and therefore, I would be 'gotten rid of.' Strangely enough, it's not a depressing thought to me. It makes me thankful. I was given a chance... I don't know. It's weird to think of all the people you know- and pick them out and be like, "They're eliminated... they're eliminated... they're gone... they're dead..."

Even though I find Social Darwinism to be a cold belief system, and I really despise, it, it got me thinking. That's all.

I'm so lucky.