Forbidden, Smitten, Spit

Forbidden Friend-
You mesmerize me and
Turn my Brain limp and
Mash it through your fingers

 Forbidden Friend,
Your smile reassures me
But your past stabs me
In the gut

Undecipherable mumbles

I'm ninety percent sure it's not okay

Forbidden Friend,
I could never betray my equal
But what is betrayal
When ages and miles separate
The equivalent?

Forbidden Friend,
Rationality tells me this is not love.
Rationality tells me this is infatuation.
Rationality tells me to stab my hand.
Rationality tells me to leave my home,
To spit on the sidewalk.
But I stride on.

Cherogie?

So, my German student is gone back to Bavaria, and my cyst is out of my wrist. And I'm pretty content with how most things are going. except. like. school. yeah.

I don't know. I've been studying- I really have. But my first test grade in english was a D+, and I keep getting B- es in Psych. I'm just lucky I'm not in Calc. That was a good decision on my part.

I feel like there's not really much to say. Except for the fact that I'm pretty chill lately. Everything is kind of nicely average- not too perfect, not too awful. I hope though, when I try to make it even better, that it doesn't fall apart on me. That would suck. A lot.

I've also noticed that Jenna Hamilton from 'Awkward' reminds me a lot of myself. Yes, the show is a bit of a guilty pleasure, but Jenna is relatable, not crazy super duper neurotic like most tv teen girl characters are, and she's got great hair. I recommend it. Maybe I'm just living through her vicariously. I do want nicer hair.


From The Awkward Soundtrack Blog on MTV.com
I'm lame sometimes.

Embarrassment.

It sucks when you're rejected before the letter even comes.
Or before you even audition. Arghh.

I've been trying to contact some violin professors from some colleges that I want to go to. And yeah, maybe I've been asking every single professor I can get my hands on to give me a lesson. But when one of the professors you've been wanting to work with the most says, "It seems you're auditioning teachers when, actually, it goes the other way around," and then tells you she won't give you a lesson, you feel kind of bad about yourself.


I forgot what it was like to feel embarrassed. I kinda wanna cry. :(
But I have to tell myself its not the end of the world. Right? It's not... My career isn't ruined because I was too eager to begin, right?? That would be one hell of a sign from God.


Maybe I should just stick to not contacting teachers at all. It'd be easier. And cheaper. And...
Oh my God, I feel so bad. :(

Oh, Allen.

I think it's funny when God finally gives you what you want, but not exactly the way you asked for it, it's more just like a "shut the fuck up, kid, be patient." And you finally realize it, and are like, "Oh, sorry... Okay."

I also like to believe that God swears. Even though he is so divine, he has no need to swear. God created ghetto-ness, so why wouldn't he have a little ghetto in Him?

Yes, I have finally been scared back into my place as young musician with very little social goals. I don't need a boyfriend until college. College, or maybe Grad School, or maybe after I get my Doctorate....... Well, though I'd like one before hand, I'm much to scared to really accept myself to be with anyone else. Introvert^70034656545565274288888888 power.

ANYWAY.

Today in Youth Symphony, Dr. Becker told me I was a beautiful player :D
Which makes me sehr happy. Because it means, though I was super nervous and on a major sugar high during rehearsal (thus being not at my best playing wise), I've still got a good chance at concertmistress. I just don't want this whole deal to get in the way of solo work for college. I have to start working on my etudes and scales again. So my repertoire is going to be like, 2 1/2 hours long. Awesommmmmeeeeee.



Oh, America. Oh, Allen.

I'm A Chick

Today in my psychology class, we were discussing behavioral habits of men and women from 'the other side.' And a lot of the guys were saying how women are extremists when it comes to emotion. And then there would be a retort along the lines of, "but we think we have to be perfect!" and then it would kind of come full circle. And the whole time, I was thinking, 'but... at least I can reason my way out of acting so blatantly pissed off, or excited, or whatever the emotion may be at the time...'

So later, Alyssa and I were reminiscing about this class discussion, and she said, "I think I'm just too much of a guy for that kind of discussion."
And I told her, "Yeah, I feel like I may be neurotic but-"
And she cut me off with, "Paige, you're neurotic. You're a chick."

Yeah.
I'm not that completely neurotic though, am I? I mean, I'm passionate. So I feel deeply. And I'm paranoid about stupid things. But I reason my way through them most of the time, and therefore don't really ever bring my neurotic-ness into conversation. But yeah.
I'm a chick. I really am.
And that's okay.

Because guys date chicks,
and I really want a boyfriend. I'm focusing on that maybe a little too much... but I'm allowed to feel sexual urges. I'm a teenager, too.



Because I've had it stuck in my head for the past week.

Oh, Almighty Callus!

Well, I've been practicing three-ish hours a day for the past two weeks. Accomplishment! yay. But my hands hurt :( My calluses are getting thicker, which is good, but my hands are feeling pretty stiff because of the ganglion cyst. And my Bach doesn't sound totally awesome... But my Saint Saens is pretty good, and I'm relearning Mozart's fifth for college auditions. All in all, my repertoire is:

SAINT SAENS Concerto No. 3 In B minor Mvt. 1
MOZART Concerto No. 5 Mvt. 1
BACH Sonata No. 2 Adagio and Allegro
DONT etude
scales...
arpeggios......
and YO Music.

I've definitely got a chance at concertmistress though, so I'm glad I've been focusing on YO music a little more. A lot more, actually, but I'm toning it down a little from here on out. WOO.

Also, I'm not delusional. The guy I kinda sorta like has been officially validated as sexy by my friend Alyssa, even if Alexis seems to think he's a little boy. I need to turn on the sex appeal. hehe. riiiiiight.^^;


The sexiest song in the repertoire, to get me on a roll ;)

SCHOOL.

SO. It's finally here. And this year is gonna be a blast. I have awesome classes (never mind them all being AP and obnoxiously time consuming), with friends that I haven't seen all summer and 3 OFF HOURS!! I'm also taking an online course (AP Music Theory). So I got bored and decided to make a vlog dealy focusing on my online text. Actually, I made like, five.

I have been getting up every day at 6:30 am so I can actually look good and feel good about myself. It's been a little tiring (I went to bed at 9:45 last night), but it's been worth it. I don't know if I feel more confident, I'm getting hit on, or it's a combination of both... but it feels good. And it, surprisingly, allows me to do better in school as well, and I'm thus more apt to do homework and practice a lot.

I have a ganglion cyst though... which is awful because it's adding pressure to my wrist and I REALLY don't want tendonitis. My first orthopedic appointment for it is the 19th. I have a lot of stuff coming up though. So I hope it doesn't interfere with performances. :(




I can be anything that I see. ♥

Storms Like Bach

Today, I planned on waking up to a 9:00 am sun- the 'birth of brunch-time', kind of sun.

But NOOOOO. It was overcast. Which was okay. I turned on my light and started practicing. It started raining. Which was also okay. I pretended that the more passionately I played my Bach, the more outrageously the rain would pour. And it got pretty bad- my window looked like I'd been taking my house through a carwash of epic proportions. Awesome.

Until Jade yelled from the other room that there was a tornado warning and Mom wanted us downstairs...

So, unfortunately, citizens of the Fox Valley, Johann Sebastian Bach and I are the causes of the thousands of power outages, the split and tipped over trees, the live wires on the ground downtown and the wretchedly branch-y streets. Sorrryyyyyyyyy. But, at least I played well!

While I was downstairs, hiding from the insane wind, instead of at my LESSON that I had to cancel AGAIN this week, I skyped my best friend who is off in Denmark (the country, not the town) and annoyed my cats. And I really only practiced for about fourty-five minutes this morning. If even. yayyyyyyyyyyyy...

Often called 'the Storm movement,' this piece is all too appropriate. Even though our storm was partial to Bach, not Beethoven.

I Give A Fuck About An Oxford Comma.

It's been a day of... progress?

Not sure. But I got my senior portraits all finished up, thanks to my wonderfully talented best friend/sister, I drew a nice design (http://ericksonp.deviantart.com/#/d48l39g) inspired by Scarlett Johansson, and I watched A LOT of TV. Which is always... nice. But today I particularly liked it for some reason. AND I wiped my face with astringent like, 50 times. It felt niceeee. But kinda dry.

I... didn't... practice... though...........

I practiced a lot yesterday. But I have a lesson tomorrow morning and I don't feel super prepared. And it's too late to practice now. :( I guess I'll wake up early. UGH. I'm so naughty sometimes.

BUT IT'S SEPTEMBER!! So that means college apps, here I come. (!)


Maybe not Oxford, but definitely Oberlin.