Just Because I'm Poor, Plain, and Little...

Last night I called my mom a bitch.
Ouch, right? I shouldn't have done it. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeno. And I apologized this morning.
But you seeeeeee, there are a lot of girls that I've come into contact with recently who are patronizing, catty, and passive-aggressive. Now I'm not naming names- but they're really getting to me. I really sometimes want to blow up at them. And when your mom starts reminding you of them... well. Let's just say, I lost a little hope for womankind. It's not that hard to be a well-tempered, level-headed female individual.

Then again, maybe it's me who is the weird ass. Maybe I'm not patronizing, catty, or passive-aggressive enough. My friends and I recently celebrated our adulthood by stopping by the local sex shop. I didn't realize how incredibly awkward I would feel. Everywhere I looked- oofta. I should've known, but it didn't really sink in until it was... all around me.
I've been focused so much on my romantic complex, I don't even know what it feels like anymore to just simply be... turned on. I can be like, "Oh gosh, my heart is pounding, and I have butterflies in my stomach!" But I can't be like, "Mhm, I'd tap dat." Well, you know what I mean. I need to rediscover my sexuality as a human being.

If that was too much information, I'm really sorry. But I had to say it.

Call Me, Maybe?

nuaifkdsjafkdlsajtjasdtiokldthatmomentwhenyourheartjumpsoutofyourchestbecauseyoufinallyfeelwanted.
I have felt so alone lately, so it's really nice to know someone values your presence and/or opinion.

But enough of that mopey shit.
I have a resolution. And I think it's time to make it official. By... writing it on my blog...
But let me start at the beginning of the story.
It was a Monday.

And it also happened to be the day of the AP Psychology test. I was waiting in the lobby, talking to some people, and then I got bored, and noticed a lot of my friends were outside in this circle right outside the door. So I went out to join them, and I didn't even notice the super amazingly attractive guy who was laughing with me until he said a joke directly to me, and I absent mindedly ignored him. I've been doing that a lot lately, mostly because I don't ever realize that I'm important enough to be spoken too. And during the AP test break, I was totally going to go up to him and just be like,
   "Yeah, sooooo. You are incredibly attractive, and I just wanted to let you know that."
BUT I DIDN'T. And I wanted to slap myself across the face, because I honestly had nothing to lose.

And then, this past Saturday, Jade, my two grandmothers, my mom, and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for Jade's birthday, and four young Germans were behind our table, watching soccer. And I was totally going to be like,
    "Ich habe euch gehoeren, und ich wollte 'hallo' sagen.!"
But I didn't. :/ Even though, again, I had nothing to lose.

Yesterday, I was reading this blog that my friend showed me, and he said, "if you're scared of it, you should go for it anyway," or something along those lines. (In another post he also said, "don't ignore your gut, if you feel hesitant about something, thousands of years of evolution probably back it up." But that's beside the point.)
If the best way to not be a loner is to not be a loner, then the best way to make friends and have fun, is to make friends and have fun. I think I'm gonna start living by that.
So, yeah.
If I ever see Mr. AP Psych guy again, I'm definitely going to say hello.


Oh God, I don't really like this song, but it's so damn appropriate.

Golden Skies Are Here.

On a day like today, it is only customary to tie a button up in a knot in a midriff bearing manner. Summer is sooooooo closeeeeeeee and I need it.
SO BAD.

On the other hand I'm really not looking forward to it. Because I don't know that I trust that my friends will break me out of my house when I sit around, cooped up. There was one person who did that- who kept their promise the summer after freshman year. But you know. Then I fell in love with him or whatever, and screwed that all up.
Whoever wants to promise to steal me away from home this summer, I promise not to secretly fall in love with you, and then go on a crazy catharsis rant when you act awkward when I finally tell you that I've loved you all along and freak out and ruin our friendship. I promise, that if by any chance in fate's game of bingo I fall in love with you, I'll be as blunt as possible about it, and you will have full right to slap me across the face, or crazy catharsis rant at me, or whatever. 'Kay cool.

But you know, there's that full time job,  and then violin, and then packing and moving to college, and graduation parties, and my senior recital... So it should be a pretty great summer. I'm pretty pumped just not to be in school.

I'll have to start thinking of a summer project... Or you know. 500.

Nostalgiosis.

My wrist hurts. I can't play violin. What the hell I am supposed to do with my off hours if I can't practice?! This sucks so much. Oh my God.
Also, when I don't practice, I think. And when I think, I over think. And when I over think, I write poetry. Poetry that sounds way too much like Emily Dickinson's poetry. But not as good.
And then I read stuff I wrote when I was a sophomore, and I smile because I like sophomore me, but I wish I could have told her to follow her gut more. To focus on her grades, on her music. On her TECHNIQUE. And to be confident. And to quit her Charter school... I am so much better without that. Wow. And to save some money up too, because I'm totally broke now. Ha.

-------------------
I'm Nobody! Who Are You?
by Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

-------
My Dearest One
by Paige Erickson

My dearest one-
Dearest, invisible, invincible one.
I am invisible too.
However through your eyes
I am not dear,
And so vincible by you.

I Can't Tell If This Is About Me, Or Him.

Dear Friend,
Though we haven't spoken for quite some time, I saw you today and we kind of talked for a little bit. I would like to express how UTTERLY PISSED OFF I AM AT YOU.
Because I cannot give many details without revealing who you are, I am going to keep this as vague as possible. Because everybody knows, I'm all talk, and would never actually say this to your face. Though, I don't really have a lot to lose.
YOU ARE A PUSSY. You are a coward. Legitimately. You are either scared as shit at the thought that you'll be alone for a while, or you were too scared to just tell me, "no, Paige, I do not want to such and such a thing falafal," for fear of hurting my feelings or something. Honestly, if you thought that we were going to be friends for a long time after high school ended, I am very surprised, because I didn't. And that isn't saying I wouldn't want to be, but rather that it was unlikely, as we just became friends as of.........January?
Back to my being pissed off- You should grow some balls, because if you don't, I'll rip your dick off so that you're fully a girl, and not just half of a man. There will be no testosterone left in your body.
I really like you as a person, and for a while, I liked you as more than that.* And you have problems in your life other people can't even imagine, but we all do.
I don't know if this catharsis thing is because you're an easy target to throw all of my built up frustrations at, or if this is projection**, or if I truly feel this way.
But again, be a man, because I'm really sick of you acting like a wishy washy little bitch.

♥, Paige.


*Please note, blog readers, this is the guy I couldn't figure out if I liked immediately after Mr. New Guy, not Mr. New Guy.
**the psychological defense mechanism.

To Do List.

  Thursdey.
     - AP English Test
     - Duet-y Lesson with Autumn (for which I haven't practiced due to a pained wrist)
  Fridey.
     - AP German Test
     - Study with Autumn (AP Bio)
  Saturdey.
     - PROM.
  Sundey.
     - AP Bio study group (which may just be me...)
  Mondey.
     - AP Bio Test
     - DIE OF EXHAUSTION.
  Saturdey the 19th.
     - Be resurrected.
     - Celebrate my lovely sister's birthday.
  Sunday the 20th.
     - Play Saint Saens with the school orchestra.
  June 7th.
     - Fuck da police.?
     - Not go to school. for ever again.

Death and a Maiden.

A few weeks ago, I woke up to a really bright light in the middle of the night.
I didn't have my glasses on or contacts in, so I couldn't see the source of the light, but it was round and it was getting bigger. And I thought to myself, "Oh my God, this is it. This is the end." And I prayed. and I told God how thankful I was for my life, and how I wish I could have done more, and I started crying just a little bit.

And then I put on my glasses, and realized it was the moon, and my eyes were trying to focus on it in the dark of my room. That was the first time I've ever experienced the hallucinations of stage one sleep. But anyway.

I thought it was hilarious. And guess what?
I wasn't scared that much. I was very accepting. Which is amazing to me. Because you often say you will act a certain way in a certain situation, but you know it's possible that could definitely not be the case. Like helping someone in need, or defying a wrongful authority. I thought that was how I would act about death, but, it was really good to feel like- yes. I am accepting of death.
So yeah.