To Control Time and Other Vague Flashbacks

I have this silly habit of remembering the most obscure things at really random times, and laughing about them to myself. I feel like a lot of people might have the same habit, but I really appreciate being able to do such a thing.

The flashbacks tend to be pretty personal. They're the kind of scenes in movies that reveal the depths of the characters. They're the kind of scenes that Ashton Kutcher would travel back to in 'the Butterfly Effect.'

If I had a superpower, I would most definitely want to be able to control time. I've had this one thought out for quite a while. I'd be able to stop, rewind, fast forward- the works. And, whenever I held someone's hand, they could come back in time with me; as long as we remained in physical contact with each other, they would be anywhere in time with me. Also, I could make them forget everything once time starts back up again, if need be.

It'd be the best power in the world. I kinda got the idea from the Molly Moon book series when I was pretty young, and then just expanded on it as time went by.

It'd be the besssstttttt power in the world. Ever.

So anyway, the flashback I thought about just ten minutes ago happened my sophomore year. I can't say much about it, because like I said, it's pretty pretty personal. But it was a good memory, and now it's a great memory because of the circumstances in the present. Ugh. I was soooo happy. (:


I may be one of the only people on Youtube who doesn't attribute this song to weed, but hey.

You're a Black Worm!

You know when you have those days when everything you say in your head makes no sense what so ever, so you just don't speak? And then everything gets real awkward, real fast?
Because when you open your mouth, something like, "I thoroughly enjoyed your presence!" instead of just, "see ya!"
Yeahhhhh.

But then again, that's okay. Because today I was able to be totally awkward around my friends and still have fun.

Don't just dress in black when you go to a Halloween party. I remember back in like, first grade when I went to one dressed as a Monarch butterfly with these amazing wings my mom hand painted for me that I could take on and off. But whenever I took them off, Jordan B. would always call me a black worm.
I forgot my broom and hat tonight, and kind of relived the whole black worm scenario. But I wasn't nearly as popular as I was back in first grade. (Unless I was really just completely delusional, and thought I was popular when I really just was a weird little shit.)


WOO, Halloween.

Words o' Wisdom

Today I had my lesson with Tyrone Greive at UW Madison. It was sooooo worth it, and I'm really really happy I got the chance to work with him again (after the music clinic during the summer).
And I breathed almost all the time (;

But seriously- sometimes, or for me, a lot lately, I've been kind of discouraged about how 'good' I sound. I love working with new people. It's so much fun. I'm just so scared I'm going to disappoint. Hopefully I didn't disappoint Professor Greive. I thought I improved a lot over the course of that hour. But that's just me.

I like Professor Greive. He's full of stories and advice, and makes a lot of funny analogies to help you. He compared my hands to the democrats and republicans outside of the capital, and said that 'they sometimes just don't want to work together at all!' And even though I was kind of embarrassed, I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

But, yeah, I'm under some serious pressure.

Tipping the Balance.

So, I'm a happy person lately. Hopefully it's a long term thing, but as of late, I definitely am.

Anyway, today I was reminiscing, or rather, just thinking about my state and theory of mind about two months ago when everything was just shit.

I basically came up with this- when you're not happy, you think that everyone around you who seems genuinely happy isn't, and they probably are just a lot better at hiding their problems than you are. Which can be true, but it's rare. Truth is, I'm just happy.

I'm allowed to have meh days. I used to think being happy meant being consistently smiley and ready for anything. But guess what? I'm tired as hell, I'm super horny all the time (a feeling which I consider to be bad, considering I hold back on a lot of that stuff), and my grades aren't as good as they could be. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT??

I'm still okay. My pros in life outweigh the cons by like, 1000 percent.



Good song for an off day.

HAMLET.

So, I recently heard a quote, and I forget from where, but I really liked it. It was like...
"Every day might not be a good day, but there are good things that happen in every day."


So today I made a list of three things that are good today. All by 1:00 pm.
1. I get to go to the chiropractor for the first time in like, three weeks. Yayyyyyy, no more spinal pain!
2. I got a ten outta ten on my discussion questions in English. (trust me, huge achievement.)
3. I had a dream in GERMAN last night. Ich war sehr froh.
4. I recaptured the passion for my Saint Saens's piece today by thinking of the plot of Hamlet, and relating it to the concerto. OH MY GOD it sounded good. I was very happy. Sooooo. I'll post my concerto for the song of the day today (:
 

Now. When the violin first comes in, I was like, ugh. I'm Hamlet. Mrahhh. I'm pissed because my daddy died, but I'm noble and shit.
Thennn, In the slower part that starts on the second page, I was like, Hamlettttt, this is Opheliaaaaa and Horatioooooo and we're a little concernedddddd. Cool it. and then like, Okay, I'm Hamlet, and I'm chillin' out.
Then the main theme comes back again and there are a bunch of runs. In this part I was like, Mrah mrah mrah I dislike Claudius and am plotting against him, mrah mrah mrah. TENSION IS BUILDINNNGGGG.
Then the slow theme comes back, and I play it with a little more agitation... and I'm like, This is Opheliaaaa and I'm crazyyy nowwwwww. and that part ends with Laertes being like, Well... she's dead.
AND THEN THE THEME COMES BACK. and I'm like, Blooooodyyy murderrr scenessssssss.

So, that's my interpretation. XD

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far.

My mother is so incredibly neurotic. I love her anyway, but up until now I've mocked her for it and got quite frustrated with her for not thinking things through rationally.
And the thing is, I don't even think her neurotic-ness is self-confidence based. Though I could be wrong, I think it's just how she's been programmed based on the circumstances of her life-
QUESTION EVERYTHING!!

But now of course, I see a lot of that in me. I don't have particularly low self-esteem, but Jesus, I'm over thinking e'erthang lately. Mother of Christ. I just like. Meh. Everything.
So no, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But hopefully the apple's rational/seedy core will allow the apple to have a chill relationship with the apple from across the orchard. 'Cause the apple from across the orchard is nice, funny, and pretty cute.

Not to be overly metaphoric. But.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE BREAD?!

I LOVE BREAD.
Sooooooooooooooooooooo much.

And I got a job. at Great Harvest Bread Company. Oh, my God, Thank you so much.
So happy.

Anyway. Other than that, not a lot has been going down.
I'm smiling a lot more now, and considering I've been this way since about a week before homecoming, I figure it's a pretty good bet to say I'm legitimately getting better at this whole 'fun' thing. Yeahhh.

Woo, Song of the day.

I was bored last night, so I made a list.

Things I'd Like To Say to My Boyfriend, But Would be Super Embarrased of No Matter His Reply.

"OH HAII, BOYFRANN."
Why I wouldn't say it: Because caps lock means loud. And therefore, obnoxious. Also, saying 'Oh haii' is a guilty pleasure I don't like admitting to, and I hate girls who say 'frann' instead of 'friend,' and am not willing to be one of those girls. Except for in my head. When I say stupid stuff.

Calling him 'boy-boy'
Why I wouldn't say it: I actually came up with this one while I was with Ed. He was confused. So now I just call my cat boy-boy.

"I adore your heartbeat."
Why I wouldn't say it: God damn it, I really do wanna say this one. But not while we're cuddling or whatever, because then I just want to hear his heartbeat. And then I'd feel cheesy saying it afterwards. Even though it's totally true.

"You have a wide nose. It matches your smile. Nice proportions."
Why I wouldn't say it: Um. Because it's another one of those really awkward observations I make. I could say it. But I'd probably blush from embarrassment. Because it's awkward.

"Your hair is so flippy."
Why I wouldn't say it: See the last quote.

"I feel out of place by your side. But it's a nice out of place. I really like it. Maybs we should hold hands when we are at school?"
Why I wouldn't say it: Because I'd much rather just hold his hand and keep the awkward narrative out of the way.

"It's weird. I've always had a thing for percussionists."
Why I wouldn't say it: I don't know. Because it refers to boys I've liked/loved in the past? And that's weird? And awkward? Yeah.

"Eeheehee. You're supah cute."
Why I wouldn't say it: Because I have more creative ways of saying it. hehehe.
Like this.
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Hells Yeah.

So, I didn't get concertmistress. But I got co-concertmistress, so I do sit first chair for Sibelius. (: I'm soooo happy! And the rest of the time I sit assistant. Which is amazing. I'm so proud of myself. I worked hard. And I HAD A SURGERY, and still got my chair. Loooooveeee :D Anyway. That's really all I had to say.

College Apps Enlighten Me.

So, I was working on my essay for my Peabody Institute application, and I remembered how amazing the UW Madison Summer Music Clinic '11 was. That seriously was the best week of my life.

So, I've kinda realized that when I entered high school, everyone that I've known has been through someone else that I know from my past. So it's not like I'm making... original friends? I don't know what you would call it... but you know what I mean? Not that those people mean any less to me. I love them. But it makes me feel like I'm bad at making friends and won't be able to thrive in college, where I'll know nobody.

But at the summer music clinic I totally made friends. All by myself. And I felt so good about it. I even danced in public without feeling self-conscious. I was CONFIDENT! Woah. Crazy. But at the same time, I was pushed to get better at music at a new level. It was so worth it. I'm so so so so so so glad I went. I love music so much. Sigh.

And today, after writing my Peabody essay and then listening to a bunch of Dvorak, Ravel and Debussy, my mood just totally spiked. And having Peter in my life is pretty awesome too. Because now, when I daydream about dancing to the tempo di valse from Dvorak's string serenade in E minor, I can actually dance with my boyfriend, and not some faceless character.



Ahh, Richter and Ravel. My buddies.

Moops.

I guess I love myself now. It's weird to say that, and it still sounds a little conceited to me. But it's not supposed to sound that way. I'm happy. Which is good.

 So, when I do something that is embarrassing, I normally say to myself, "You know what, I don't really care what others think." Which seems like a good idea. But lately I say something more like, "You know what, that's okay, I'm human." And for some reason it helps a lot.

Because I've always loved humanity. We're amazing, humans. We're cool shit. But it always seemed like I've been looking and loving humanity from the outside, like I don't belong with the rest of everybody. So when I reassure myself that I'm just like everyone else, that I AM Human, it makes me feel a lot better. Which is nice.

Maybe we should all say that more. "It's okay," instead of "I don't care." It has a lot more of an optimistic ring to it than the latter.

Expectations

Dream world girl, bow in hair and falling down a rabbit hole.
You aren't okay here.

Go Back To Where You're from.

A Message from Demeter:
She lost her daughter to these demons.
You may lose more than that.

Go Back To Where You're from.

Morality dangles, half dead inside of you.
Persephone was a good girl once, too.
Don't be ignorant.
Think of her.
You know she is upset.
To lose her.
To lose him.

Choose, bitch.

I could be Django Reinhardt.

I could play with three fingers. Hell, that's an even better situation than Django. I mean. He played guitar with two.
IT JUST WON'T WORK!
It gets tense. And it won't vibrate. And I can't play octaves. And I wanna cry. :( Because even when I have the inspiration and energy to keep playing Saint Saens, I feel like ripping my pinkie finger off my hand because it's just useless and won't work for me. I'm firing my pinkie. It's laid off as of now.
Suggestions?